Of gum chewing gangs

A few weeks ago I wished I was an opinion maker in the Education industry, I wanted a new system, a system in which everyone would go for gum chewing classes before getting admission to Kindergarten or as they call it where I come from ‘Nursery School’. You know like people used to go for Computer Classes after High School during “our times”. In fact if you asked me I think it would be nobler for teachers to go on strike demanding that they be trained on how to teach gum chewing than it is to fight for a salary they won’t get. After all hasn’t the court already ordered that each be deducted 10k from their salos for ‘contempt of court’? You can’t compete with Kenyan leaders who only obey the courts when the judgment favors them. Okay I digress.

So I wake up on Monday 8th of July, that’s yesterday and as if it isn’t yucky enough that it is a Monday and I have to go to work, I remember I have to use a ‘matatu’. I am one of those people who really hate ‘matatus’. It’s not like my dad had a car of his own, we have used these things ever since, but for some reason they are the most annoying moving objects I have come across in the 24 years I have been on this round moving object called earth. After a short wait at the stage I get a jav and hop inside, nose first. I have always wondered why most touts can’t clean their clothes it’s not like they work in a garage, and this one was no exception. He was worse, he was chewing gum, and if I could draw images here, I would illustrate how wide his mouth would get. I got a seat at the extreme back, at least a distance away from the chewing tout but not a relief one bit…

On both sides of me were two young men, as the Kenyan society would wish to call them, each was chewing gum. The first thought that ran through my mind was ‘what does it cost to chew gum with ones mouth closed and how much more does it cost to do it quietly’. I swear the dude to my right was chewing louder than the music on Matatu FM – That stupid station where listeners are dumb enough to call in and say they rejoice at  their exes death coz it happened  after they had parted ways “I could be a widow” I quote. It wasn’t the easiest ride to town, thank God Parklands to town doesn’t take forever and thanks to Obako for thinking we’d have a super Highway somewhere in Kenya. Were it not for these I swear I would experience Monday on each day of this week. I don’t even want to write about the mixed smell of gum and his breath which chocked (sp) me every time he looked away from the window and chewed just next to my ear. At some point I wished God had given him one of my sisters who’d really get irked if my brother and I chewed with our mouths open or bit the spoon while eating. This girl was one you always learnt something from.

Anyway it doesn’t matter what we go through, I guess the lessons and the conclusions you come up with are what matter. And here is what I came up with. When I grow up I want to join the “Gum Manufactures Association” and vie for the chairmanship.  Thank God I am not at the moment because with the experience yesterday I would have ordered closure of all gum manufacturing companies. Second when I become rich I will be an MP or maybe MPig so I can make legislations. Or do Senators do that nowadays? I will introduce a gum chewing permit and it will be illegal to sell gum to anyone who doesn’t have one. You know like they do with alcohol and IDs in Supermarkets.

You see thanks to my horrible experience Kenya will have a responsible legislator in the future, in the meantime my immediate goal is to convince my employer that with a salary rise I will love work on Mondays, buy a Vitz and avoid all gum chewers.

Have a ‘closed mouth gum chewing day’!


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