I could feel it, I saw it every time I looked at the mirror. I am not lucky, the door to my closet has a big mirror attached, my bathroom was of no help either I could see it every time I faced the sink to brush my teeth or wash my hands. I faced it each morning and had to look at it every evening. It isn’t easy dealing with loss, it gets you confused and you can’t help but hold back tears every time the memories can’t stay off your mind.
I could see it in my friend’s eyes, I guess they didn’t know how to say it, maybe not knowing what to expect as a reaction, maybe not sure they should consider it a loss. After all I tried hard not to make it look like it bothered me at all, or maybe make it look like it never happened at all. They looked at me pitiful. Only contributed when I brought up the topic with; “Aki, I have been wondering what’s wrong’ all will be well, just stay positive”
The bold ones said it upfront, most of them were those I had not met in a while. They would tell me of how sorry they were about my loss. I didn’t want to stand for long with such, they would want to probe more, probes I wouldn’t have answers to, or maybe I had answers but wouldn’t know how to phrase them. I did not want to let anybody to realize it was such a big bother to me.
I would make comparisons, I would look at them, they we were with a few years, a few months ago. Most appeared to be progressing, while I seemed to either be stagnating or retrogressing. The loss must have dealt me a big blow and putting it in past tense was only in attempts to hold on to optimism, the right phrase should have been “the loss must be dealing me a big blow.” I am glad the blow in this case is virtual coz if it were a real blow I doubt I would have been able to take it and still be alive. Maybe this is the much this loss had been. I guess often I might have wished the blow was for real, maybe then I would not have to live with the aftermath of my loss.
I read and tried to get things back to normal, this didn’t help much save for the emotional liberation. Some of the articles I read told me this was okay, that it was just a phase and a lot of other people around me were going through the same, but the “generation Y” being in me couldn’t see this. It got to a point when my answer to “How’ve you been?” turned into, “I am living life, just look at how much I have lost of late”
I guess every life process has a cycle, and I believe for the painful ones it starts with denial, but it always gets to acceptance. Here I am accepting that I have lost, not only enough but A LOT of WEIGHT. You now know what my greatest 2014 resolution is…
Happy and successful 2014 friends, keep reading!