My heart tells me otherwise

I didn’t know what to think of you, I had never seen you, all I had in my head was your voice. A result of the few phone conversations we had. So I stood there and nodded, mmhh, um, eh, and yeahs as you went on and on about how good it would be. Three months, six months, a year you counted the benefits that would come. So I woke up each morning with hope and gave you the best, coz if anything, you had a way with words or maybe your words had a way of letting you have your way. Amidst all, my heart told me otherwise.
Then at some point I wanted to leave, and I told you I had enough. You crossed the floor in a hurry, ruffling papers and speaking really fast. I remember the sound of your feet as you talked to everyone around about what was happening, they spoke louder than your voice actually did, and maybe even more effectively. You told me it would be only a matter of time and all would be fine. Goodies would come, fill and overflow. Still, my heart told me otherwise.
It didn’t take long, you and I in the same room, you told me how everything was beginning to shape up. You quoted what many would have loved to hear. I am not sure I smiled, but I tried to pull a joke, just to reduce the tension that lay between us. You looked at my feet and saw how much they needed support, if they were to hold any longer and you promised you would do exactly that, offer support. You promised that now we would look at it from time to time and make it better based on how it had all been. Even then, my heart told me otherwise.
I had to run to you, to tell you that it was now becoming too hard. That everybody laughed at me, harassed me, bullied me and sought to intimidate me. You poured praise on me, you said I was handling it just fine, you told me no other could do it better than I was doing it. You promised you would look into it. So I sat and listened, I loved it that you could say so much good about me but I needed more, more than just words, more than just that assurance I got when distance reduced, an assurance I really missed when we were not together. Inside, my heart told me otherwise.
So today you told it to me on phone and you knew the only way to make it look authentic would be to use “number 2”. Number one was quite an obvious ‘no, no’ today. I gathered strength and sat opposite you at that table as you explained it to me. Each question I asked got an answer, answers I keenly listened to and recorded. I watched you laugh, I watched your body language. One of my lectures in uni, Mr. Ayodi (May the Good Lord Rest his soul in peace) once taught me in Group and Interpersonal Communication that this was important too. As you spoke, my heart told me otherwise.
I sit, hitting this dust filled keyboard hoping that one day, I will nod my mmhhs, ums, ehs and yeahs from deep within and not from the lips. That one day your voice will convince me more than the ruffling papers and your brisk steps. My prayer is that one day I will not have to throw in a joke to kill the tension but rather will bring out a joke we will share in laughter together. That may a day come when I will listen to your compliments throw a fist in the air coz they will be real. I look forward to a day when number 1, number 2 all the way to ‘n’ will be convincing enough, I won’t have to look at your body language any more. Up to this point, my heart tells me otherwise.


4 thoughts on “My heart tells me otherwise

  1. kerushkerubo says:

    Be optimistic and tell your heart otherwise 😉 Nice read.

  2. Nice read. But you need to stop using “coz”. But you somehow described part of my current predicament in some of your words.

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