My suicide note

Growing up, we knew the solutions to life challenges were in parents, mum had solutions to all the bullies out in the play field. We’d always run back to them when we couldn’t face these ‘stronger’ beings out there. Dad had solutions to everything we needed that we couldn’t have. He held the keys to all permissions, and all matters financial. We even hoped he would get us a jet when we thought we needed one, forget the fact that he couldn’t afford a jalopy. But I hoped and believed that all my problems had capable people to take care of them.

When we moved a notch higher, the teacher had solutions to all life problems. Finding that ‘x’ in a math problem would be trouble, but I always stood, watched and marveled as the teacher went about finding the solution to it. It always looked like ‘abracadabra’ and it still does to date. I have never been a numbers person, if anything I have a phobia for numbers. But somehow the teacher had a solution and temporarily made me understand, even if just till after I had sat my exams even when it was that complex mole concept.

At some point I thought education would be a solution to everything, and I worked hard to ensure I achieved that which I thought was the panacea to life problems. The perception that all hardships would drift away with the attainment of education, that a career would bring satisfaction and money in turn would bring joy. And I sat through school, not the best in class but among the top cream through all stages. God even gave me a job on the very day I sat my last undergraduate exams, just to make sure I don’t experience the tarmacking phase. And a great career it has been that has grown steadily in the last three and a half years.

I know this will sound suicidal, crazy, insane, the best of my friends will say I have lost it, and trust me these are friends who have my best interests at heart, the ones I will not part ways with even when we owe each other millions. But time has come for me to kill life, to kill pleasure, commit the gravest mistake according to earthly standards and start a ‘boring’ journey with Him. Turn to the parent of all parents, the teacher of all teachers, in a stage called re-evaluation, because all other solutions have proved to be blank stares at the roof when you have nothing to write on the exam sheet.

“Lessons at 9124.25”

I doubt anyone will get the meaning of this one, but again it is only meant for me so it doesn’t really matter. It is another of the many confused ones, it was even “penned” at 5 in the a.m. They say in Swahili “Kuishi kwingi ni kuona mengi” and I guess 9124 is quite a number and if each of the 9124 had a single lesson to learn then  that’s quite some seeing right there. Anyway on to the lessons, they are many but the few I put here are the ones that hit my mind this morning.

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That you should not ever let anger get to you. At some point I really wanted to never get angry at anything or anyone. I wanted to be the man that walks away till everything is settled then come back sort everything as a gentleman. I haven’t achieved this yet, I am an emotional man and I still set my eyes on this goal. I actually doubt I am anywhere close to being a gentleman. I hope I will get there someday. Anger is a stupid thing and I guess stupid things happen to stupid people.

That there are words then there are actions. It does not matter what it is you talk about every day, it actually is what you do that defines you. Your words can speak of a man who cares and has ambitions, one who inspires and gets people changing for the positive but what do your actions say? The first stupid thing you do cancels all the respect anyone might have had for you, the trust anyone had had for you dissolves like sugar does in water, without a fizz, you never see it coming. But again this does not mean words aren’t important, I guess the thing is to follow URP’s slogan of “Kusema na Kutenda”

That the stupid thing you do carries the day and the jerk in you hovers around like Casper the ghost only that this time he isn’t as friendly as he was in the show. You may do a lot of awesome stuff, you may do them with love, you may do them every day, every month, every year, but that one psychotic act you pull for a minute defines the asshole you are. And it is unfortunate that assholes can never be fixed. Maybe they finally will when they find cure for HIV.

That stupidity has the ‘fries’ effect on your heart. Fries is junk and it makes people add weight, in layman’s language it makes people fat. That’s the same thing stupidity does to your heart. It makes it weigh more, like it has been anchored. I do not know about the layman translation to this but I know it ‘pounds’ more. Maybe because of the insecurities caused by this. The insecurities are so bad you find yourself losing the sleep you have always all so loved.

That when you do something differently guys will say you took a different brand this weekend. Anyway, there are so many stuff to learn from life every day, but this is just one that says, you are what you do and the bad that you do overrides any good that you have ever done. One jerk action equals a jerk forever, doesn’t matter what you ever did before, and you can’t blame anyone for that, only you and the stupid stuff that makes you.

In retrospect

To many finalist in college in college or campus that final year is always perceived as the last of problems, the last of stressing moments and the last of having to think of where to find resources. All ahead is viewed as bright; in any case the times ahead always look bright. After all is it not the end of late night studies, and in the hope of landing a formal job, no one ever thinks of night shifts and doesn’t 8 to 5 as it is known fall under the bright parts of the day. This was me exactly a year ago.

As if life wasn’t sweet enough based on the fact that it was the final year, I landed a job 30 minutes after I sat my last paper. If life never smiled then this day it had chosen me to smile down on. I don’t know what well-paying means anymore after one year but then I was convinced that I had landed a well-paying job and the promises that came with it were just it. The journey towards prosperity had just started.

Fast forward year 2013 and here we are, sitting back and look at the one year journey and oh boy, don’t we have much to talk about it. Some very pleasant to talk about, others the little secrets you only wished stayed with you. My well-paying job ended up not being as well paying as it sounded. This is the point I realized there is more to a job than the money pegged on it; it’s not always about the pay. You’d imagine sitting in an office all alone every day from Monday to Friday, nobody to consult with, nobody to tell of how hard the rain beat you yester evening, the matatu tout that refused to give you back your change and the awesome dream you had. When it got into me I settled for a job that paid three times less, but at least I had what I’d call colleagues.

When you work in a town 250 kilometers away from papa and mama it dictates you have to find your own cube to live in. This wasn’t the easiest part, becoming mummy, daddy and son all at the same time is tough. You have to think of how to plan for the rent to be paid, you have to think of what to eat for dinner and you have to think of how to best treat your youthful self. All put in one scale I bet only balance for a few, I am yet to find the right weight for the other side a year later.

To walk in , to see and to walk out may be done by many each day, but has been done to many by me. I have attended non countable interviews within that first year out of campus. Think of any big company and I have a story for you that may last forever. Ask me to tell you of a company in Kenya you don’t know and I will sure give you one. There are those moments I got an interview opportunity and asked God to make this the last of them in the next many years. There are those I left confident I had aced only to never hear from them again, there are those I thought I had done nothing and was sure I had failed only to be invited for another round. For lack of an original phrase I will call this “the irony of life”

If I said I haven’t learnt from the experiences I have had in this time then I have never said a bigger lie. There’s no doubt about the weight loss, but I wouldn’t rule out the not so evident brain growth. Life has been awesome, maybe not easy, but no one promised it easy anyway. Growing seasoned and better every day I look forward to a better second year in this deep end of the pool where I either have to struggle and swim to the top or give up and drown. Drowning is not an option here at all.

On suicide watch…

He walked to the door and hoped she’d let him go, he knew he could easily throw her out of his way and walk past the door. He knew better than to use force against a lady and held it in with restraint. He only gave a slight shove when it was clear she wasn’t going to let him through. He looked at the others look on, probably with fear, probably not knowing what was happening, or probably not bothered at all. He was on suicide watch!

He had not had it easy for the past few weeks. He had no one to tell what he has been going through. He had no shoulder to lean on, he had no chest he could cry on. He thought maybe the knife was a shoulder enough; maybe an overdose was a better chest to weep on. He felt like he had a stone resting on his heart, or probably an anchor pulling it down and holding it there. He was on suicide watch! 

He managed to get past her, at least after using a little force. He had managed to get the door open but she had held to his jacket collar. He struggled to get off the “hook” and just as he unhooked himself from the grip he saw the younger one walking along the corridor. He wouldn’t know how to restore the respect she has had for him all this while. He wouldn’t know how to deal with the high esteem she regarded him with that would now chase the center of gravity. He was on suicide watch!

“He is going to commit suicide”, she shouted, as he walked out of the door and knocked down the beer bottle that stood on the door mat. He walked faster with brisk steps as she tried to catch up with him, but she couldn’t. He galloped down the stairs wondering what a scene this had been. He hated drama; no it wasn’t one of the things he lived for. He was on suicide watch.

He thought to himself “This is the greatest disrespect she has shown me ever since’. He had her secret safely kept and thought that maybe it would be the perfect comeback, but love held him back. He wasn’t just for the promise made but for the love he felt for her. He walked past the gate but couldn’t go far. He couldn’t leave at least not walk out on his brother even if love died. He was on suicide watch!

He turned back, not sure why he was headed there. He just had to go back and say how much he felt abused. He had to let it known that he wouldn’t let out, not even with the embarrassment he had faced. He called and wanted to speak with her, her alone and no one else, just like it has always been. He couldn’t understand why others had to be brought in on this particular morning. He was on suicide watch!

He had felt bad all night, he had had little sleep. He woke up to texting, he felt that the way out and end was the only way. He had tried all there is to be understood but all efforts seemed futile. He was still poor, still stressed, he was still overwhelmed. He knew, what they couldn’t tell was that he had actually embraced the knife, the only shoulder he knew. He was on suicide watch!

He had to come back, at least for love and to affirm that the secret was safe. He knew love was greater than the selfish thought of hugging a knife. He was on suicide watch! 

So I’m human too!?

Life has a funny way of teaching us the various lessons that lie in it. I choose to call them insights and to me each occurrence in life has a special lesson that lies therein. I was born, raised, went through kindergarten, or as my village would call it nursery school. I was lucky enough to attend a primary school with pupils from diverse backgrounds and a high school that opened up my mind and taught me how to handle the toughest of challenges in life. Anyone who attended St. Mary’s School Yala would tell you what the borehole experience was for a “Jabao”, one among very many challenges. As if that wasn’t enough I got the opportunity to attend uni with people from who I derive a lot of inspiration, the criticisms, advice, hate and even the acts that happened while I interacted with each and every one of them, intended and not intended.

Maybe it looks like it is a lot for one to learn from, or depending on what others have and are going through nothing at all. But as I went through all that I guess there is one lesson I never learnt – I’m human. Through and through I have been a relatively quiet person; I only was noisy when in uni. All the time I never wanted to offend a single living being, not even the tiny ants that cross the paths we use every day. I have friends who say I like to please everyone, I don’t think I do, I simply want to be the best there is for everyone, at least play my bit in ensuring the world grows into a better place.

Then comes a time when life dictates that you have to be serious, that time when trial and error is no longer an option in handling life issues. This phase comes with a lot of changes, some pleasant, some not so pleasant and for the non-pleasant ones woe unto them who share a bit of life with you coz this affects relationships a great deal. And I think I am right inside this phase, if I were asked to give it a name I would choose to call it “finding myself” and the first thing I have realized is that, I am human after all.

I have realized that in me lies a being that can really hurt others, that there is a being that can carelessly throws words around without being sensitive to others feelings, that there is a being in me that is capable of disappointing. I have seen the being in me that not only violate other people’s expectations of me but also violate the very expectations I have of me. I have noted that there is a being in me that is selfish and will tend to think of them first before they consider what implication an action would have on others. I have come across a being in me who wrings tears out of others eyes, or is it hearts? I have interacted with a being in me who I thought never existed, then that was them but I realize I am also like them.

I am making resolutions though, that I do not want this being to affect me, I do not want the human in me to affect my goals, to mess with my purpose in life, to alter my dreams and change the course of the path I had drawn to my future. That is why, even with the not so encouraging realization, I won’t change my goal in life. I still want to be the best, I want to be the best son, I want to be the best brother, and I want to be the best nephew, the best grandson and the best cousin. I still want to remain the best friend and most importantly the best boyfriend, I want to be the best enemy anyone would ever have if any ever considers me that. With changing phases, of late I want to be the best employee and the best colleague and even the best tenant a house owner ever comes across.

Yes, I am human, just like every other person is but I want to be the best human there is.